Hey Sex-Gamers at Banfield School! They Got Nothin'!

Originally posted June 20, 2010; revised Dec. 7, 2017

I'm not good at communicating with kids, but I figure that any who are smart enough to put together fantasy sex leagues(1) like some of you Landon School kids did will have little trouble reading a mossy old turd like me.

Did you guys know that at one time The Washington Post got a picture of Banfield's founder mixed up with a picture of a chimpanzee? It really happened.

This is not about that. This is about how you should react the next time any adults get all peeved(1) about you "cheating" or setting up sex games with girls at other schools. It might even come in handy if you bash somebody's head against a wall down at "The University."

When they get in your knickers about something, the first thing you should push back with is this: So what? Why not?

By the way, I'm also helping you to develop your push-back skills. Your dad and the Jimmy-Choo-obsessed harpy who bore you did not get where they are by saying incriminating stuff like "You're right. I'm wrong, I'm sorry," or by telling their clients to say so.

Other people are out pushing their agendas, just like Dad and Mom, and Dad's "friend" are pushing their agendas, just like you're pushing your agenda. Or other people are just out to jerk your chain. Some people like having sex. Some people like jerking (ha,ha) chains. You have to have "talking points" so you can push back. It seems like bullshit, but you're never going to get anywhere with your agenda if you aren't ready to push back.

So you push back with: So what? Why not?

Unfortunately that might not shut your accusers up. They might return fire with this: Because it's unethical.

You: Says who?

They: We do.

You: So, you think that it's unethical. I don't.

With that you've got them checkmated. They should retreat and grumble that they hope "that you'll learn from your mistakes" and forget all about it.

But the hell of it is: they may not put the pieces back in the box without a fight. They may blather something such as, "You can't treat girls like that because this is no longer a patriarchal society blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada."

And you'll have to play along in the Kabuki with: C'mon, Einstein said it was all relative what, a hundred years ago?! You can say that it's unethical because you're in control. You have the power. You're the dictator. When I'm the dictator, "unethical" will be what I say it is. Hmm, patriarchal society. That sounds kinda cool.

Not enough? More talking points: Why are you making a magilla [new vocabulary word] out of us having a sex contest? You adults assume that we teens will have sex, that it's going to happen, that it's our nature to do so. You think that there's something freaky when we aren't sexually active! You laugh when people talk about teaching abstinence. You call them Jesus-freak morons or whatever. You did a dance when the House committee cut abstinence ed out of appropriations!

This is getting to be a real pain in the ass, isn't it? I hope that you young men will get off (ha,ha) with "learning from your mistakes" and that it doesn't go this far.

Even if it does, remember that you are actually really lucky that Banfield is a non-sectarian school like Halter Arms, St. Sid's and Albino Friends.

Oh, those schools say that they're affiliated with religions like the Quakers or whatever, but they can't come up with any reasons--other than "we [the dictators] say that it's unethical"--for not having sex rings either.

See, any reasons would have to include propositions that are too horrible and crazy to be taken seriously by intelligent, professional people who live on the northwest side of a cosmopolitan and diverse city such as Washington, DC.

One proposition is that the slampigs are not merely animals. Grown-ups have been telling you all your life that people are just animals, right? As long as you've been going to school, you've been learning about how chimps and apes and whales and people are not all that different.

Animals have no destiny beyond this earth. There's nothing or nobody out there to make any kind of demand on how they behave, on how they are to be treated. There's nothing or nobody out there to give people a dignity higher than that of all other animals.

If you go way out in the country to a redneck bar (Don't forget your fake ID.), you might hear some Klan-types talking about "n-----l l-w." That's the other "n-word", but "n-----l l-w" is such a taboo word (Don't worry. You'll learn about taboos at Yale or some place like that.) that only fascists say it. Unlike the better-known "n-word,""n-----l l-w" is too taboo even to include in the Urban Dictionary.

It's totally crazy to worry about "n-----l l-w" anyway. Science can fix any problems that "n-----l l-w" causes.

Even more totally crazy than appealing to "n-----l l-w" is appealing to a god whose existence has created some kind of moral l-w. Again, you guys are lucky that you're in an environment where people either won't have any of that god nonsense or if they do have it, they keep it to themselves, like Mom and your stepdad keep their thing with the chains.

People who keep the god secret can't say much. They don't know much about the god they believe in. However, they are positive that their god is not a "He." Bringing God out of the closet is like well, something in a Harry Potter story that you absolutely just can't do. Because doing so would unleash some kind of horrible evil. We are, of course, assuming that you're not Valdemort(sp?) and that you agree that it is evil.

Now let us consider what has occured in history whenever people were stone-cold about God, acted like God was real. You have probably heard over and over and over and over again about what happened to Galileo. Believers in God grounded Galileo and sentenced him to never leaving his house. He had to stay home with his telescopes and inventions. Imagine having to remain in your room with the Legend of Zelda for years.

At the very least, broaching God would offend somebody.

The truth is: rather than risk having more Galileo affairs or offending anybody, grown-ups would prefer to let you kids have your sex games.

Another truth: lots of adults, not just kids, like to play around with sex, too, and the idea of a God bugs them.

Well, hang in there. You'll get through it. Remember those talking points and remember that some day, you will be the dictators. And just keep saying to yourself, "They got nothin!"

(1) Peeved is a Shakespeare word. Now you don't have to bother reading Shakespeare. Just say "peeved" and wear a Duke sweatshirt and people will think that you're educated.

For Further Reading

About Neal J. Conway